It has been a year since I have made my last post and I thought I would put my thoughts down as a way to look back at all that I have been through and all that I can look forward to.
2018 has been one of the worst years of my life. I won’t hold back on what happened because I believe that sharing what I went through can help others who may be dealing with the same thing.
During the start of the year I started having pelvic floor issues that led to a lot of health fears and anxiety. Much of the health fears manifested into symptoms of illnesses that I was afraid of having (i.e symptoms of cancer, etc…there more to than that, but I’ll keep it short) It also brought up a lot of fear of having to go through fears. I have agoraphobia which is caused by emetophobia. It mostly is triggered by going to places that cause me to feel fear, which in turn causes me to feel nauseated. My type of emetophobia consists of fear of nausea, fear of vomiting in public, and of others vomiting. To make a long story short, having to deal with doctors and various appointments left me overwhelmed, afraid, and severely stressed out. I became severely depressed and had thoughts of suicide. I’ve tried medications and they didn’t help and in many cases made me worse. I gained weight and I felt more depressed. I sought help from Mental Health and while the few therapists I’ve seen were really nice (still have not started therapy yet), there was a nurse who was “helping” me that made me feel more depressed. Right now I am in a better place now that the holidays are over. My anxiety has been subsiding a little and I do not feel depressed. I am not on medication. I see a psychiatrist in the next few weeks but I think I will avoid medication if prescribed. My goal is to be able to go to my son’s graduation in May. There is a lot of shame and embarrassment around it because no one really seems to understand what it is like to have an anxiety disorder and I feel I will be judged if I don’t go.
Despite everything, there are still many good things that have happened. My youngest son who has high functioning autism has been seeing a therapist and has made a lot of progress. He is a little more outgoing. My oldest son has been to the UK with the Canadian Army Cadets, and then to Alberta for a National Cadet Expedition. He has been selected to go on a International Expedition to Chile in the new year. He has also been offered the career of Electrical and Mechanical Engineering Officer with the Canadian Armed Forces and will be studying at the RMC in Kingston in 2019!
I think it is important to look back at the past to see not only the good in it, but to reflect on the bad and realize that it takes a strong person to get though it all. I made it through it! It may seem so trivial to someone who doesn’t experience mental health issues, but for those of us who do experience it, it can be agonizing. Unfortunately for some it is too much to handle. I urge those who read this who have been fortunate to never struggle to please have empathy and understanding for those who struggle.
I am looking forward to what 2019 has in store for me and my family. I’m excited and scared but I know I can get through it. Best wishes to all who read this. I hope your new year is full of positivity and joy.